The Bear and The Lion!

It's just so damn obvious. The only time I ever write in this blog is when I'm angry, sad or both yet tonight is different. I'm actually not too angry or sad, but then again I am. I'm actually feeling more anxious than anything right now. I have two beautiful girls I can go see right now and yet I site here alone. I'm afraid of going. I always am. Every time I walk into a public place alone I can't help but feel like all eyes are on me and I don't mean that in a good way. I just feel like people stare at me and snicker behind my back. I guess you could call it social anxiety but I just call it my personality. So here I am all dressed up and ready to go and instead of leaving I'm blogging to myself.

Anyway since this isn't a legit blog I'll just go on.

This weekend has been pretty good. I worked all day Friday around the house and then messed around with my truck today. A friend came over and she and I watched some of the Dexter series which is my favorite show at the moment. Then she left and I just sat in the garage for a few hours... just sat there. Then I came inside and stared at the TV not even knowing what was on. I left and went to a drive through and now I'm back home. I guess it hasn't been a great weekend but it definitely hasn't been the worst.

It's so bad. Literately as I sit here I can physically feel my mood decline. I wish I could describe this sensation. I don't know why I can not considering how many times I've felt it. It's like something in my head slides down my neck and into my chest and I feel weight. I feel weight on my shoulders and neck and my breathing seems to take a conscious effort. My surrounding seem to dim and no matter where I am I want to run away. Even when I'm alone. I wish I could escape this. I want to be normal like everyone else, just not as simple-minded.

I think my battle with superiority and inferiority is one of the biggest issues I face when trying to blend in with society in general. I mean it's like these two very real extremes.
One is the bear and the bear is big and ugly and mean and nobody likes him. He never knows what to say and if he ever tries to speak he always says the wrong things. The bear realizes that it is best for him to stay in his cave and not be bothered at all but the bear is lonely.
The other is the lion and the lion is strong and handsome and very much smarter than anyone else in the jungle. In fact he is so smart that it is hard for him to make friends because the only way he can communicate with anyone is to " dumb down " but that scares him because he's afraid if he continues to do this he may forget how smart his is.
The only things the bear and the lion really have in common is that they both believe it is better off to be alone, they both are probably wrong and they both reside in me.
I am the bear and I am the lion.

I am the bear...

I am the lion...

So FUCKING tired. So FUCKING what!

Last night I forced my self to get on my motorcycle and spend my last few dollars on beer and dinner at this mediocre Mexican place a couple of miles from my place.

I had three 34oz beers and a little bit of food. I came home and picked an old Townes Van Zandt song called Flyin' Shoes. Then I set up my noose and stared at it. I decided to sleep on it and popped a sleeping pill and went to bed.

I woke up feeling just as bad, if not worse than I did last night. I had a small bowl of cereal and then came down here to sit and think. Outside the sun is shining and the sky is clear, yet it still seems dark to me. It's my fault for putting all I have into one person. It's not fair to him. I wish I could be normal.

I wish I had the guts to hang myself, but I doubt I ever will. I'll probably end up locked up in some mental hospital. Who knows?

I'm just so tired of being sick. I'm tired of shaking and hurting. I'm tired of me... the way I am and I'm tired of begging God to change me. He cursed me with being ugly, insecure and having thoughts in my mind that I don't want.

It's bullshit, all of it!

I can't sleep or I sleep too much... way too much. I rarely every get it right.

I only feel anger and/or pain and sometimes I just want to feel nothing at all.

I want to cry so I can feel alive.

I have to fake happiness but sometimes I just can't.

I hurt everyone around me, especially one I love most.

I have unhealthy and weird thoughts, wants and dreams.

I like the feeling of being used.

I long to feel " below " others, especially the one I love.

I am indeed a weird person.

My life, my body only takes up space on earth.

There is no good inside me.

I try to buy love because I have none to give. Love is just a word I use often because maybe if I say it enough, I'll feel it.

For every hour of happiness I have they're 48 or more of pain, confusion and sadness.

I contemplate suicide often but one person keeps me here... _______.

Money is gone. I had it and now it's gone.

Due to my own accord my health is declining.

Alcohol no longer masks my emotions so I don't drink much. Plus even it did help with the pain, I've grown to be comfortably in agony.

Even on the brightest of days I never see the sun.

I don't know how to be a friend and I TRULY don't know how or why anyone would want to be mine.

I have been used by so many people that I now lust for it.

I take a mood stabilizer... I guess it assure me that my depression is stabilized.

I want to get better but I know I can't because God has chosen me as to endure this. I am his fucking joke. I am here to suffer. It's my role.

The more I get, the more I want.

I am ugly... it's not my fault.

This is just a whisper that I wish someone would here but it also sounds like I am trying to get someone to feel sorry enough for me to love me. What the fuck is wrong with me? I don't deserve to have any friends.

If I'm still around when Dad dies I am going to sell everything and just go away. Lie about my name and age and disappear.

Thanks for reading and FUCK YOU!

my penis

... it's barely 6" long and horrible when flacid.

FUCK

dooooood

I love you. You know that.
Even though I didn't raise you I do love you.
I don't mean to bug you but I know I do at times.

Take your contact lenses out at least every other day. You may not believe it, but you are messing up your eyes.

Hold your fork right in public. Good table manners are cool and I'm not trying to be a dick or put you down.

Pick up after yourself. Nobody ( including MOST girls ) likes an unorganized home.

Keep up with your belongings. It helps in not losing things even though you rarely do... it's just advice.

Keep your dick in your pants for now and concentrate on school. Girls come and go and now is not the time.

I would say don't do drugs but that will never be a problem with you.

Take care of your things, respect them. Even the smallest things you have were paid for with hard work. Remember that.

Remember that there is only one God and he not only loves you but judges you.

Finally never forget those that truly love you. Not just the ones that say it, but the ones that prove it.

down-up-down...

Wow! At this very second I feel ok.

Friday is my 38th birthday and at 12:00 I have my psych appointment. After that D and I are gonna hit the river somewhere. COOL!

I been sittin here thinking of things that used to make me happy.

1. Mr. W
2.playing my guitar ( barely have the desire to pick it up anymore )
3. riding my bike ( looking at it makes me sick because I have to spend $1000 just to make it comfortable )
4. exercise ( I haven't done this in a while but vow to start again today )
5. The feeling of being of loved ( I know it's there, I know it is )
6. Working on modifying my vehicles ( but my I HATE my truck )

The only thing is that only one of these makes me happy ALL the time is Mr. W. but I feel like I'm bothering him because I keep asking him weird questions... he's just a kid and I need to leave him alone. I want to run but I don't. I know he loves me. I just wish he'd say it more but then again he is just a teenager.

It just sucks that I can't seem to break free of this depression due to my obsession.

I'm not giving up just yet though. Maybe D will help, maybe he won't. Maybe he can't. Maybe I'm looking in the wrong direction or expecting too much.

Exercise will help like it has in the past. I have stayed depressed for about 2 weeks steady now with not even one break. I HAVE TO BEAT THIS!

I HAVE TO WIN! I have too much love in me and around me to let go.

I just fucked up again

I was supposed to go tubing today with D and his family. We got a late start to the day which left more and more time for my already declining mood to sink lower. Still I vowed to fight it and have a good time.

They finally came and picked me up around 12:30. Devin was kinda quiet. Probably because he stayed up late which made me feel a little bad since he never does with me, but not a big deal.

Anyway I started feeling worse and started shaking and having trouble breathing. I lied and told them to run me back by the house because I forgot my wallet. When we got here and ran out of the truck and told them I wasn't going. I was and am so afraid to fuck up D's day. I can't shake my depression. Plus seeing Matt ( his mom's boyfriend ) and D together made me think of them fucking me ov'.. I mean forgetting me when we were all supposed to go kayaking.
That was not really the issue though. It's me. I just can't seem to keep searching for something that may or not be there. Shit, he has to love me. He's just not as deep or emotional as I am.

So here I sit home alone as usual. I wish I would have went. It may have helped me feel better but I may have just drug everyone around me down. I can't hurt that kid. I can't and if I can help it I won't.

I'm just tired of hurting.

Last night after months of considering suicide I finally got a plan together. I am
( if I do it )going to hang myself. I have a heavy duty belt with metal rings in it just beg enough to let a long drywall screw pass through. I did some measurements and figured I could wrap the belt around my neck while on a stool and then drill the screws through the metal rings into the 2x6 support beam atop the walkway in my room.

What's stopping me? Two things. One is D and the hope that our friendship will blossom rather than sour and the other thing is that there might be medication out there that will truly help. Friday is my birthday and on that day at 12 noon I have an appointment with my Psych Doctor. Hopefully she can get me on the right shit this time.

The only other thing bothering me is that my dick is under 6". It never bothered me before but now it is driving me to the point where I have been searching for penis enlargement devices and even considering surgery ( yes they do that ). Now I'm obsessed with penis size and having a friend with a huge one, I want to see it so bad it is making me physically sick. What the fuck is wrong with me? I am so mad at God for making me this way. Sick obsessions and a fucked up mind.. depressed. I don't deserve to be!

Actually there are a few more things but they are not too major. One, like many people is money and the other is my piece of shit truck. I have had so many nice vehicles and to not be driving a white trash truck at my age is shameful.

I should have just went tubing! I fuck up everything.

W.T.F. is W.W.M.???

"I wanted to see it. I caught it out of the corner of my eye..."

I always dreamed of someone, something like this, but it is only partially a dream come true. I am trying to take a friendship and turn it into my dream. I am trying to distort it and it will never come to reality (someone to love me as much as I love). The funny thing is that I don't want it ( my dream ) to come true. I can't handle the yin and the yang. hahahahaha

Things are good. I'm the only one with the problem because I can't get these weird thoughts and obsessions out of my head. Since I can't have what I want my stupidity has evolved into a hunger to be humiliated. I can't believe it, but it's true. I'm ashamed of the inner "me" and feel as though if only I could be humiliated by... someone... then somehow it would make me feel better.

To be looked down upon is in some ways better than being overlooked at all; or is it?

Sometimes in my twisted, sober dreams I wish none of this ever happened and that I was still caught up in my own loneliness, but feeling this way is in some ways a good thing. Because of this I have realized that my biggest problem is and has always been me.

God has done so much for me as well as to me. He has given me love and with that love he has taunted and tortured me. My love is deeper than yours, not his, but yours. I think this is a big reason for my current bout of depression. I need to here " I love you " but not just as a reply to mine. I want to hear others say it on their own accord. I want to be loved as much as I love.

My mind, my thoughts, like my love is deep. I still feel as though I have no match, no equal.

I KNOW I am loved. I know it with all my heart and still I have to hear it. Damn my insecurities!
Damn my lack of social intellect! Damn my desire and damn it all I will NOT give up. I am going to learn from my mistakes. I am not gonna hurt anyone anymore. What I will do is seek humiliation high. If I can not be kicked in the face on earth then I will seek it elsewhere if only in my mind.

I just have to stop looking for everything I want in one person. It's not fair to them. I need to embrace all that I have in others rather than focus on the few things I don't.

Still I just want to hear you say "I love you" everyday.

I will give and you reluctantly take and all I want is a punch in the face. Step on me. Walk on me. Not only will it truly make me happy, it will make me love you more.

Wrap your arms around me when you hug me or please, slap me in the face. I don't know which one I want more.

Oh I hope you know this is just a vent and I mean no harm at all. Do not be angered by this electric sheet of paper for it is only a random page in my mind.

Now hit me :)

I did love until my heart became black and blue.

I fell in love one last time. Such a fool I am.
I saw all the warning signs but only in hindsight.
The kid forgot me once and then again and then once more and again.
I can't forgive because the hurt won't go away.

I tried to buy love. I tried to coax it out with material things but it wasn't there. It isn't. Maybe it never was or will be.

I lived in my own dream for a minute and for the first and last time in my life it had purpose, so I thought. Maybe I wasn't thinking but instead hoping. I tried to show love not only the ways I know how but to learn new ways. I read so many things to try to help me be a good influence, a good role model but I guess I blew it.

I never knew how to throw a football before. I learned. Was it love? I never got tired of him so it had to be, but it was one sided. I'm a video game. Played until the new wears off.

It has to be me. I have failed.

I lost my temper towards him. It wasn't because he damaged some of my possessions. It wasn't because he spilled something. It was because I was forgotten twice. Then I was lied to and now here I am forgotten again.

When his Mom got a new boyfriend I told him that I was going to lay low because I didn't want to interfere. He actually shed a tear. It hurt me so I decided to keep on going. That was my BIGGEST mistake.

Now when they are together I am out of mind. I have become an afterthought. Still I don't regret telling him how much I love him and I don't regret ANYTHING I've ever done for him. My only regret is becoming a part of his life because I am stuck here helpless while he hangs around . And I am forgotten.

What do I mean to him? Do I mean anything to him? I can't tell anymore. He acts the same around him as he does me. Happy. Seeing that makes me happy because that is all I want him to be is happy in his youth. I also want to see him succeed and to become a responsible man. I want him to be a man of his word.

I have no place wanting anything for him.

He is not mine.
He never was and...

To all of my friends including the ones I've yet to meet.

Girls, look in the mirror. Your beauty is fading.



And boys, your face is aging as time keeps raging.



So what should you do?



Live.



Live like it's the "in" thing to do and



Love



Love until your heart turns black and blue.



Dream



Don't let them escape as the world tries to rape you



Never give up until they come true.



Remember, you're all here for a reason and



Life's just a season and at that's one thing that will always be true.







I hope everyone has a great week and remember to take the time to take it all in.



There will always be good times and there's always bad times but remember to let all the good things shine through.

a little light can go a long way.

January 19, 2001 at 10:52pm as I stood outside alone in the driveway of my modest suburban neighborhood. I couldn't help but notice the stillness and silence around me; so peaceful, so beautiful. The wind was still and I couldn't help but gaze at the sky. The sun has long since set and yet in an unexplainable way the sky was bright. Vivid dots of white with only the slightest hint of smoke-like clouds. Perfection. For those few minutes of my life I was comfortably alone... or was I?

As I stared up at the beauty before me my mind began to wonder as it once did often and I was reminded of the many repressed moments I've felt the way I did at that moment. It's the weather; Cool outside, but far from cold with the slightest hint that summer will once again return. All of a sudden my dull, self absorbed sadness was at bay, replaced by peace. I smiled ins pite of myself being alone at the moment. I'm used to it. Only I didn't feel alone. I felt connected as if I were surrounded by the ones I hold the closest. Content filled my heart and my mind. Beauty and comfort only God can provided and I embraced it as I too felt embraced.

Although I'm convinced that my way of thinking is rational I started to ponder light. Now I'm not talking about the kind of light we read by nor am I referring to enlightenment. I'm talking about light in the sense of others around us that illuminate our very existence. I think that the common thread that holds us all together is the basic human desire to seek the light of others. We need other people in our life. We need to feel loved and to know the joy and pain of loving. For some of us it's Mom and Dad, for others it may be your children and grandchildren but others such as myself it's merely a simple friend that brightens and enlightens the road of life.

It's commonplace to love your family and to make sacrifices for them as they do for you but what about those not related to you... the ones that just evolve into someone priceless. I'm not talking about your boyfriend or girlfriend but what about those who love you and never have to say it. The people you know love you; The ones who project their love so profoundly that even in silence you can hear it. You can feel it. Those are the people that you make sacrifices for and don't even realize it because to do for them is a joy. There are no words to describe love on such a level.

I'm blessed to know that love. To be illuminated by such presence, however briefly, continues to shine upon my life eternally, and tonight looking up at the sky it wasn't the stars that shined upon me but rather the smiles in my memories, the laughter of my past and the gratefulness to remember them both.

A Tribute to Depression

Now there is another one that won't escape my mind

Leave me like all the others but haunt me all the time

Joining me in solo journey that never seems to end

Pouring all my love upon an imaginary friend

...an imaginary friend


And I never saw the difference between growing up and growing away

I thought it would be forever, the time we had to play


So now I live in horror with dreams of suicide

A wounded hole inside my heart where you can run and hide

I'll be right here waiting just like I said I would

And I'd give my life for you if I thought it'd do you good

...if I thought it's do you good


All of the depression that I must endure

The loneliness you impose yet you're the only cure

I guess the pain's a love song to show you that I care

If it's the cost of loving you then it's a cross I'll bear

... you're the cross I bear


And I never saw the difference between growing up and growing away

I thought it would be forever, the time we had to play

Talking to Myself Again ( I not i )

My ass is sore. I've spent so much time behind this screen lately that my ass is sore. I lost my job two days before Thanksgiving 2010 and since then I've been hustling to pay the bills however, I have succeeded thus far.
Since I have so many followers I guess I'd better tell you all how I've managed to scrape by before the tension boils the water cooler at the office.
I've been bombing Craigslist with adverts for upholstery work and headliners. I've managed to get a few jobs from them as well as some referrals from a friend and the combination has " kept the lights on ". The problem is that I've had so much idle time spent online that I think I bruised my ass.
If any of you live here in Georgia I'm sure you've all heard the phrase " cabin fever " used quite a bit lately. After all we are just now thawed out after a very unusual snow and ice storm that kept the little ones out of school for a week. That has left many of us, myself included, away from work and falling behind. This week, if all goes well, will be very hectic for me as I not only have to come up with an extra $100 this week for supplies, but also the usual $500 for bills by the end of the month. To say the least mother nature has shared with us a bitter-sweet blessing.
My journey of self employment has made me realize that when you are your own boss you have to work harder and longer than you ever would for anyone else. You have to constantly be on the look out for work and potential customers. You no longer are payed by the hour, rather a full commission based salary. You stay awake at night wondering if tomorrow will bring in the rest of the money for your bills or if you make any money at all. On the upside if I ever decide to get serious about my health again, I can easily make the time to exercise. So far taking the risk to call my self self employed has been the scariest thing I've ever done, but honestly I think it is by far the best decision I've made in years.
Still with all my confidence I must remind myself that I do have a mental illness. I don't do this to dwell on failure or excuse the potential for doing so, but rather because my illness constantly reminds me of its' presence. I'm dangerously close to the " giving up " point in my life on so many levels, but then if you know me you have seen this all before. Once again my faith in people has been challenged and once again my doubt and regrets have returned to haunt me. I don't know why, but no matter how hard I try I still deem myself as unlovable. Kindness from others still instills a red flag in my mind and leads me to wonder what are someone's true motives are. I cannot convince myself otherwise. I do believe that there are people out there that genuinely do love me, but no matter how hard I try to believe it, when I'm away from them I feel unloved. I revert back to my familiar way of thinking which is quite frankly " all or none " believing that it is just not possible to find a gray area. I believe this to be part of my illness and I actually hope it's true. Surely my friends can still care about me even though they choose to spend time with others beside me, right? I wish I could believe it. I could even tell myself that over and over again and not believe it until I see them face-to-face. Then I will not only believe, but become consumed by just knowing that someone wants to share their life or at least some of it, with me.
Still as soon as we part i am left with a feeling of betrayal in knowing that they are going to laugh with someone else; that someone else is making them happy. Then I slip back into my lack of faith in and trust of others. I feel used. I know in some cases this is true, but I sometimes have trouble identifying the authenticity of the individual situation. I tend to see everything so unlike others and it makes me jealous of the fact that they are " normal ". I guess that's why even though people always seem to like me upon a first meeting, friendship rarely, if ever, evolves further.
I guess in a way it's a good thing that I don't have many friends because i do tend to value friendship too highly or maybe I just take people too seriously. I'm not sure. I just don't have a clear understanding of people at even an elementary level. I have a disease though there are no obvious indications of my disease. I guess it's fair to say that no one will ever understand me or try to do so while I, on the other hand, may never truly understand others but will waste the rest of my life trying to do just that. I think the best situation for me would be to live alone and with very little human contact this way not only will I not be hurt anymore, I will also not have the chance to confuse or corrupt others.
I constantly feel the need to apologize to the ones I admire the most. The ones i feel are a true gift from God. These are few and far between but these special people that come and go in my life, the ones I treasure most are the ones I fuck up the most. I get angry at them when they are not around and I say mean things to them sometimes because of my lack of trust and/or jealousy as stated before. This in turn reminds me of my Father and all of this is part of the reason for my attempts of suicide. Even then i would have to apologize prior to the act. Still at times I am jealous of those before me who have succeeded. If they were as confused and hurt as i often find myself then I imagine that that may have been the best option.
This is the first time in my life that I have been able to clearly put into words what's going on in my mind so I leave you with a final thought, a question and it is this:

What pill do I take to fix this, what class do I attend and who among you are willing to take the time to help me?

I should have learned my lesson

I can't get you out of my head
No matter how I try
Maybe if I was human
I'd let go and cry

I should have learned my lesson
I've done it a thousand times
Believing in forever
Believing that you're mine

I met so many like you
Each time I went blind
I thought that you were special
and It was real this time

But we're just temporary
A wrinkle left in time
Although I'll always remember
those feelings in my mind (in my mind)

I've thanked God that I met you
and Also cursed the day
Now that you have left me
Your memories won't fade (I wish they'd go away)

I never even told you
I never told a soul
The way that I have loved you
and Thoughts I can't control

But we're just temporary
A wrinkle left in time
Although I'll always remember
those feelings in my mind... in my mind... in my mind!