I was supposed to go tubing today with D and his family. We got a late start to the day which left more and more time for my already declining mood to sink lower. Still I vowed to fight it and have a good time.
They finally came and picked me up around 12:30. Devin was kinda quiet. Probably because he stayed up late which made me feel a little bad since he never does with me, but not a big deal.
Anyway I started feeling worse and started shaking and having trouble breathing. I lied and told them to run me back by the house because I forgot my wallet. When we got here and ran out of the truck and told them I wasn't going. I was and am so afraid to fuck up D's day. I can't shake my depression. Plus seeing Matt ( his mom's boyfriend ) and D together made me think of them fucking me ov'.. I mean forgetting me when we were all supposed to go kayaking.
That was not really the issue though. It's me. I just can't seem to keep searching for something that may or not be there. Shit, he has to love me. He's just not as deep or emotional as I am.
So here I sit home alone as usual. I wish I would have went. It may have helped me feel better but I may have just drug everyone around me down. I can't hurt that kid. I can't and if I can help it I won't.
I'm just tired of hurting.
Last night after months of considering suicide I finally got a plan together. I am
( if I do it )going to hang myself. I have a heavy duty belt with metal rings in it just beg enough to let a long drywall screw pass through. I did some measurements and figured I could wrap the belt around my neck while on a stool and then drill the screws through the metal rings into the 2x6 support beam atop the walkway in my room.
What's stopping me? Two things. One is D and the hope that our friendship will blossom rather than sour and the other thing is that there might be medication out there that will truly help. Friday is my birthday and on that day at 12 noon I have an appointment with my Psych Doctor. Hopefully she can get me on the right shit this time.
The only other thing bothering me is that my dick is under 6". It never bothered me before but now it is driving me to the point where I have been searching for penis enlargement devices and even considering surgery ( yes they do that ). Now I'm obsessed with penis size and having a friend with a huge one, I want to see it so bad it is making me physically sick. What the fuck is wrong with me? I am so mad at God for making me this way. Sick obsessions and a fucked up mind.. depressed. I don't deserve to be!
Actually there are a few more things but they are not too major. One, like many people is money and the other is my piece of shit truck. I have had so many nice vehicles and to not be driving a white trash truck at my age is shameful.
I should have just went tubing! I fuck up everything.
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