Packing my bags for the rest of my life

So it finally feels like spring around here. The grass is tall and the leaves are greening. The skies are warming and the birds are singing. The dawn of summer has arrived.

After work today, while digging through my drawers looking to see what shorts still fit me I picked a pair of blue plaid shorts which sparked a memory. Last summer I was fortunate enough to be in Panama City Beach, Florida for the fourth of July. I remember because on that day, besides my swimming trunks, I wore these shorts. Now you would think that memories of the beach, sun and fun would make me smile, but they didn't. The thing I remember most is what I was thinking when I bought these shorts. You see these particular shorts are actually a size 34 waist. I know this because I was forced to buy them as most of my once loose fitting size 32's had become a little tight. Sure I could still squeeze into them, but the key word is squeeeeze.

When I bought the blue shorts, just before my trip to the beach, I made myself a promise to lose weight by this time next year. Now with the arrival of spring and the looming " dog days of summer " it's time to cash in on that promise. Over the fall and winter months I've managed to clock in a few miles here and there running around the neighborhood but I still haven't managed to get back into any sort of routine. There was a time when my life revolved around fitness. My body came first and everything else was second. But there they were staring me in the face. A reminder telling me that I can't go back on my word.

Those shorts, unlike most of my clothes, are large. In this case bigger is definitely not better. My closet is filled with medium T shirts and size 32 jeans. In effect these cool-looking blue plaid shorts are a crossroad. To the left is apathy and complacency and to the right is a return to my roots, the real me. This got me thinking to myself. What are you going to wear for the rest of your life? Am I to be a cuddly 200 pound guy or a fit 160? Looking at these shorts is like staring into a mirror that sees into the past and the future which is the way I'm heading. Now it's time to pack my bags for the journey.

Now at this very moment, sitting in front of my computer, I'm doing nothing. And by nothing I mean nothing besides writing this and wishing that my three day long headache would go away. But in my mind I'm hard at work. I know at some point I have to go see the doctor for my annual allergy shot since I'm one of the lucky ones that always gets hit hard early on with sever allergies. Once my symptoms subside it's time to strap on those trusty running shoes and head back out into the world, my world. A world of work and reward. So even though I may be doing "nothing" at the moment, my plan is already spun into action.

In my life there is very little I have control over. I have a job I'm not fond of with pay that is even less attractive. Due to my financial state I live at home which has its' benefits ( financially speaking ) but the trade of is the lack of true freedom. If any of you have ever lived with a parent later in life I'm sure you know where I'm coming from. God bless our parents. Another thing I seem to have lost control of over the past several years is time. It seems that the older I become the more obligations I acquire. Things like cleaning the garage, grocery shopping, fixing a light socket, yard work, etc. all vie for my precious time. Still there is one thing that I, we have control over and that is our health.

Now rather then go into great detail about all the benefits of health and why we should all strive to be healthy, I'll just point out a few basic points.

1. Esteem: Being fit means feeling fit and feeling fit feels good and in turn helps you to feel better about yourself!

2. Longevity: Not only do those of us who are healthy live longer, but we last longer.

3. Inspiration: What better feeling is there than to help someone? By being fit, especially after not being so, we can inspire those around us to make positive changes towards health and ultimately towards happiness.

Now with the knowledge of fitness I have not only in theory ( not to mention my N.E.S.T.A. training ), but also in application as I managed to drop from 280 plus pounds to around 160 in a little over a year and keep most of it off for many years after
( although I am hovering close to the 200 mark now I stayed at the 160-165 mark for bout three years) It's time to pack my bags and begin my journey home. It's time for me to head back to the familiar streets for a run. Time to clean out the pantry and throw away the processed garbage. It's time to pick up the weights as well as my mood. It's time to go!

In my last post I basically blurbed my intended suicide. After writing that rather dim goodbye I started to think to myself: "What will make me happy?"
I wrote down a lot of things on a piece of paper, a list if you will. Well not really a list, more like a bunch of lists. Things like what makes me nervous and sad, what makes me happy, what are my dreams for the future. I wrote pages of responses to these questions, but it wasn't until I stumbled across a pair of little, well big blue shorts that I found my inspiration.

I hope that as you read this that maybe you found a little inspiration too.

E-mail me and let me know if you are in the same ( weight ) boat and let's do this together.

Until my next miserable blog...

A Constant Reminder

Fuck!

I was feeling alright for a minute. I posted a shitty video on YouTube ( all my videos are shitty ) and this guy posted a funny video response on " how to learn country guitar ). I was smiling and I grabbed my classical guitar and made a video response. I put on a funny hat and play a few songs. I watched the video prior to posting it to see where and how I would edit it. I decided to delete it and not post one at all. I may post one after I get a mask to cover my face. Watching that video made me sick. I just got done watching and deleting it a few seconds ago. Now I feel like my normal fat pile of shit self.

I can't stand to look at myself. My YouTube name is " Ugliest1uEverSaw " which pretty much describes me. I'm so fucking ugly I can't imagine how people can even stand to look at my face. On top of that I can't believe how fat I've gotten. I know I need to start running again. I do miss it, but I can't find the motivation or inspiration to do so. I mean will it really make me feel better about myself? Did it before when I was in good shape? NO! Fat or fit I'm still the ugliest person on earth.

I've heard it said that God doesn't make ugly, but that is simply not true. God may not " see " ugly, but he certainly produces it.
Speaking of God, I can't help but to be a little angry at him. I know it's selfish to say that, but look at me. Why must I be so ugly and so unlovable? The only reason people even pretend to like me is to get whatever they can from me. I could give so many examples to prove this. I mean I know this one girl who claims to be my friend, but she always wants something when she sees me whether it be food, beer, a place to invite her low-life friends or all of the above. That is pretty much the only reason anyone even claims to like me. I may have a friend in Jesus, but to the world I am shit because I AM SHIT!

I fucking hate myself. I have no talent at all. At one time in my life I actually thought I had friends and maybe I did. At one time I thought I was good at something. What a fool I was back then. I guess I still am a fool today, just a different kind.

My life has regressed to nothing more than a life of work at a shitty job, work around the house I hate and sitting in front of my computer watching videos of happy people like some sort of creeper. I can't even find the desire to work on my stereo system I started last October. I can barely even work anymore. I have three alarm clocks and usually sleep through them all. On the days I do work I'm never on time. I just don't want to live anymore. I really can't seem to find a reason to anyway. My life has never been lived.

My memories can basically be categorized as follows:

Drunken happiness ( false happiness )
Regret and shame ( my memories of myself )
Anger ( towards myself and those around me )
Sadness ( due to loneliness and shame )
Hopelessness ( my only joy is in the things I truly despise )

Still to this day I have no idea why anyone would even talk to me. I am so fucking ugly that looking in the mirror sickens me. I had to say this again because it's still bothering me. Since I watched that video I have had butterflies in my stomach and I'm shaking.

I wish someone could help me or at least help me to help myself, but even my psychiatrist can't help me because she has never tried to dig. I control her. I tell her one thing and that is all we discuss... alcohol and exercise. It's always " stop drinking and exercise ". She wants me to join AA or some sort of support group, but I hate crowds, I usually don't like meeting new people... actually I don't like meeting new people because even if I initially like a new person, they always end up being a disappointment. The next time I see her will be just to say goodbye and then I'm done with her.

How can someone as nice as me end up like this. Unloved, unliked, undiscovered, unequaled and alone.
I'm so sick of spending time with me. Yeah I do like being alone, but not with mirrors.
I want to fucking die. Yeah I'm afraid of dying to a point, but I'm also afraid of living. I'm tired of living and nobody cares. Maybe if someone did it would be different.
Why can you not depend on people? Why?
Nobody gives a shit about others in this world nor do I. I was a fool to do so in the past.

I just want to give up. The only living I do is for others like my Dad and my " boss ". I don't know why I care whether or not I anger him because I hate the work I do. It's frustrating and doesn't pay well. On top of that I really don't deserve what I get paid now. If he paid me more money I would feel so guilty that I would have to quit. I can barely stand the pressure as it is. Actually I can't. How I have made it through the past few months is nothing short of a miracle.
NOBODY understands how seriously sick I've become. I constantly have the shakes and am jittery. My boss yells at me and tells me to calm down and that I'm making him nervous.
Every time I mention to him that I want to kill myself he tells me I should do it. He says I'm like the boy who cried wolf.
I'm not going to lie. My suicide threats are truly nothing more than a CRY FOR HELP, but I will cry wolf no more.
If I wait until my Dad dies to kill myself it will only be putting off the inevitable. There is no way I will be able to support myself and/ or this house alone and I would rather DIE than have another greedy, filthy human live here with me.

This is my spot, my world, my anything and everything. All my thoughts are right here with a link on and to my facebook page and nobody cares. This used to bother me, but after looking in the mirror tonight, after watching my YouTube video, it no longer bothers me at all. Ugly people have no need to be here. Ugly people are underachievers. It's fact. Ugly people do nothing but end up poor with a shitty job, pumping out ugly kids. FUCK the ugly in this world. They're useless.

This world is only for the beautiful, the wealthy. Those people are able to fuck people over to succeed in this world. Those people only care about sex and money. People are not deep.. not deep like me. Yeah everyone has feelings and I am the master at digging them out only to step on them. Just look at the pain I cause my Father. Maybe he deserves a lot of it in retaliation, but is equally vicious retaliation right? No.

I'm not a good person anymore. I'm so fucked up I can't even work anymore. I can't do anything for my Father because I already do it all. I'm his slave and his whore and his costly obsession and his punching bag.
To my boss I am the guy that fucks everything up and costs him money. I don't make him money. I am mad at him for not letting me go. I barely work as it is.
I don't like his attitude towards me most of the time anyway.

I guess I'll keep rambling on. I think Barack Obama is an arrogant nigger. He makes me sick too. The world makes me sick. People make me sick.

Fuck this! I'm going to double dose some seroquel and go to bed.

If you're reading this then you are.... fuck you!

My blog, My bitch session!

Well here we are again. And by we I mean my thoughts and I. It seems to me that there is no escape at all from my mundane existence. I'm still stuck in the same " no where " job, which by the way my boss is still constantly behind on my small hourly wage pay. I mean it really doesn't matter though. I'm 36 years old and rarely clear $300/week. On top of that there are no taxes taken out and absolutely no benefits. This makes it difficult to be able to afford my monthly psychiatric medications, psychiatric doctor visits, health insurance and daily cost of living. Which brings me to my next paragraph: The Cost of my Living.

What does it cost me to live? Well that's a good question. Most would answer this question with a vague dollar amount, but my answer is a little less than those of the general population. Here, I'll make a list.

1. First and foremost the cost of my living is my esteem. You see my esteem has be literately destroyed by a fowl-mouthed Father that has consistently put me down for as long as I can remember, He says otherwise, but I don't care what he says. The truth is actions speak louder than words. Anyone remember this cliche from childhood? On top of my loving Father, girls have constantly rejected me. Easily enough I have given up on them. Other reasons my esteem is almost non existent are the fact that I've really never had a good job with the exception of HiFi Buys and Precision Tool and Die ( which by the way fired me exactly a week after having a panic attack at work ).
A quick not on P.T.&D., The boys ( the owner's sons ) both suffer from some sort of mental illness. The youngest has O.C.D. and I believe may be on medication for it. The oldest has more complex issues and although I'm not sure what they are, it was difficult working side-by-side with him. On the day they fired me the oldest son, which by the way is a self-proclaimed Christian, told me that he didn't understand how I could be happy and talkative one minute and quiet and depressed the next. Hmmmm...
Yet another reason I've little self esteem is the fact that most of my peers throughout grade school viewed me as odd and constantly picked on me. Not a big deal.

2. The second cost of my living is the way I feel about myself; not so much my esteem, but my own external and internal self-image. The most important part of this is that I'm convinced there is not one peer in this world such as myself. In other words I feel utterly alone and know that nobody will ever understand me or even want to try. True no two humans are alike, but many have several things in common. For me they're few. I hate looking in the mirror. It sickens me.

3. Loneliness. Yes I have people in my life that I call friend. Some even may refer to me as a friend, but this is really not the case. I may be an asset in times of need for some, but a friend never. Nor am I much of a friend. I tend to disconnect myself from others. The reasoning is very complex, but I'll do my best to explain as abridged as possible:

People are NOT to be trusted!
NEVER let your guard down!
My heart is a rock.
Woman are always up to something and are only nice to you in order to either get something from you or to use you as a stepping stone.
Don't ever, under any circumstances, trust a self-proclaimed Christian.
I've been FUCKED by just about everyone I've ever encountered in my life starting with my Grandmother all the way up to my current boss ( with the exception of those " just acquaintances ".
I don't fit in with people, normal people, party people, happy people, wiggers, thugs, rednecks, etc... you get the picture.
All people are leaches

4. My nerves are shot. This is no exaggeration. When I'm home alone in my room and my Father calls just the sound of his voice calling makes me jump! If the phone rings in wrenches my stomach. I have trouble sleeping. My mind is constantly racing and often I become obsessed with my emotions.

5. I'm a failure. Period. I've never really accomplished anything in my life.

Those are just 5 facts that cost me my living.

I love this blog because this could very well be my suicide note and nobody will ever read it, not even after I'm gone.

When people commit suicide there are always the same remark: " I wish he would have talked to us " or " We could have helped him " or my favorite one " All the signs where there " People tend to act like they care after the fact, but people are much to bust caring about themselves to care about others.

The last time ( second ) I attempted suicide ( yes, a cry for help ) I was taken away by the police after a neighbor called them. My Dad was asleep and never knew anything about it. When I told him about it his response was " Why do you blame everything on me? All I want to do is make you happy. " He really doesn't give a shit about me. He never takes me seriously and he still considers me a " kid " as he calls me. He still calls me and tells me to come home and he still does his best to control me. I always submit because I can't stand arguing and yelling at all.

He will be one of the " He told me and I was too stupid to listen. " Assholes.

People are so easy to read for me that it has lost it's thrill. What once brought me so much fascination has turned into a dull and predictable game.

My psychologist tells me that I can change my life. Too bad no one will hire me due to a devastating misdemeanor on my record that CAN NOT be removed for the rest of my life due to state law. There is nothing I can do to better myself anymore. I've tried.

I intend on killing myself because unlike a teen that has so much life left, I'm 36 and have failed.
There is absolutely nothing left. The girl that likes me scares me because I don't want to get married or date and I don't want a quick fuck.
I don't want a relationship. I don't like answering to people.
I've answered to my Father my whole life and he is the LAST person to EVER have any type of control over me. True my boss does to an extent, but the only reason I work for him is because my Father insisted that I go back to work for him after six months of being out of work, by trying my best to find one. I was going to work at McDonalds or something, but he said no. I would have been a lot better off.

I may have a lot of nice possessions, but they only bring temporary joy. They are worthless without someone to share them with. The problem is that there is no one worthy of sharing them with.

I've decided to end my life. This is not a decision I've just made. I have been contemplating this for the past few years and have struggled with the pros and cons. I've thought it out and have " made my peace " with God. We ALL will never get out of here alive and I certainly don't want to endure anymore insults or disappointments in life.

The ONLY thing that would and could keep me alive is a winning lottery ticket. Why? If I had a substantial amount of money I would move away to another country and buy some " friends ". Everyone likes you when you buy them. I can no longer do this like I once could so I'm out... of time... of friends... of money.. of desire for anything other than death.

I'm not sure who to leave my things to. In my will everything goes to my Dad or my brother. If I could change my will all I have would be sold and donated to cancer research.

So with all this suicide threat how will I do it?

Oh the internet is such a wonderful tool. Seroquel is such a wonderful drug. What a peaceful way to go. The dream of all... to fall asleep and never wake up.

My birthday is in July and on that day I will silently take a walk saying goodbye to all I have known. Rather than leave a mess for my Father he will get a phone call a few days later when they find my body in the woods, asleep in a sleeping bag. The sky will be the last thing I see.
I want it to end this way because besides the human mind the sky is the most mysterious thing in the world, or is it around the world? Is it the door to the universe? Does God live just beyond human reach? The sky is humble. It provides us so much in the form of rain, wind, sun and darkness. The sky is a true love of mine. Sometimes I believe if the sky was a person that it would be my peer.

Well since no one is ever going to read this I suppose I can end this anyway I choose so....

You are the beauty you've never known
You are the love you've always longed for
You are the breathtaking smile
You are the sweetest smell imaginable
You are painful love
You may be lust, but it's true lust

Desire

You are the hug I never received
You are the kiss I've always longed for
You are the dream that never came true
You are the one who walks on by
You are perfect
You are the one who could have saved me

Love

You are small talk
You are a quick hello
You are as I, unknown
You are oblivious to me truly
You are a fire
You are a dream

You are my fascination