Last night I forced my self to get on my motorcycle and spend my last few dollars on beer and dinner at this mediocre Mexican place a couple of miles from my place.
I had three 34oz beers and a little bit of food. I came home and picked an old Townes Van Zandt song called Flyin' Shoes. Then I set up my noose and stared at it. I decided to sleep on it and popped a sleeping pill and went to bed.
I woke up feeling just as bad, if not worse than I did last night. I had a small bowl of cereal and then came down here to sit and think. Outside the sun is shining and the sky is clear, yet it still seems dark to me. It's my fault for putting all I have into one person. It's not fair to him. I wish I could be normal.
I wish I had the guts to hang myself, but I doubt I ever will. I'll probably end up locked up in some mental hospital. Who knows?
I'm just so tired of being sick. I'm tired of shaking and hurting. I'm tired of me... the way I am and I'm tired of begging God to change me. He cursed me with being ugly, insecure and having thoughts in my mind that I don't want.
It's bullshit, all of it!
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