And So It Begins or Ends or Begins- A Christmas Story

These days if someone one asks me how I feel about the holiday season you might hear me mumble something reminiscent of that of old Mr. Scrooge. While for some Christmas and New Year's Eve provoke a magical time to spend with family and friends and reflect back on triumphs and disappointments of the ending year while simultaneously looking forward to the year ahead, I myself see no beginning or end but rather only subtle differences. Depression is a way of life for me. Depression is my life and when you pile on the onslaught of holiday hassles such as having to deal with all the " Merry Christmas " joyous people who will fight for hours to park closer to the mall, " Joy to the World " does not come to mind. So how do I feel about this magical time of year? " HUMBUG! "

Life is withering slowly to an end as December draws its' last few breaths of 2010 and contradictory to my previous paragraph, I'm going to reflect back on some of my personal highlights of the blessed year. Mind you, I use the definition of
" highlights " rather loosely. While some give an " all the good things " answer to the question; ' What is a highlight? '. I sarcastically define a personal highlight as nothing more that more shit added to the pile that is my life. So good riddance to 2010 and bring on the new year!

The good, the bad, and the not so bad is how I would define most of the events in my life throughout 2010. I'll start with the good. In April, having no outstanding debt, I ordered a nice, new, Italian sports car. Well it isn't really a sports car. It's a motorcycle! Well it's not exactly a motorcycle, but it isn't a moped either. It's a scooter and I love it. So that's one thing off the list. Next would be around June I ran into an old friend. We knew each other years ago when we were but teens. It's always nice to make new friends, especially since my introverted personality makes it challenging for me. It's also nice to be reunited with old ones Although we have both changed tremendously. Having met her I have some how earned the honor of mentoring her son. He's a great kid that has had a few tough breaks and that is all I will say about them. On to the next thing; my yard. Having taken a little more preventative car in the fall and winter, my lawn looked pretty good this year. I got a lot ( but not all ) of the things done on my yearly
" to do " list so that was nice. Lastly, I took a road trip to Bossier City, LA to see an old friend and the best part; I rode my scooter! Well those are the high points in chronological order. And now onto the not so bad.

So even though I have a lot of things to bitch about in the next paragraph, I'll try to keep this one a little more lively with some not so bad things that happened or didn't in 2010. First of all I didn't really get sick save for about 3 pretty bad colds and some bugs in my hair. I didn't gain weight ( or lose any ). I still have a place to live, however tragic the living conditions are. I have a pretty reliable old car that still gets me around and most importantly I did NOT kill myself. This may seem funny, but in all honesty I though about it a lot, to the point where not only had a written a suicide letter ( on more than one occasion in 2010 ), but had also scoured the internet to find the best way to do it. C02 is the way to go and I even have it here. I spent many nights fighting my emotions in silence, holding my phone in my hand and wondering if I should call the hot line and then telling myself to man up. On a side note; what the hell does " man up " mean? I guess it means to suppress your human emotions as they may be a sign of weakness and weakness is of coarse anything but manly. So there you have it. The not so bad things of 2010 through my eyes.

Now on to the main course. If you are still reading then this is what you've been waiting for. The shit that sucked for me in 2010, or as I like to call it, " The year of the same old bullshit with new, never seen before rage! " I'm not sure where to start. Oh yes I am. Work. My job is ( was ) shit. My boss is a drunk, seriously. He usually starts around ten. This wouldn't be so bad except for the fact that he waits until Friday at five pm to tell me how he's gonna fuck me and not pay me. I could write a book on all the ways he's fucked me around for the past four years, but I'll cut to the chase. When I lost my apartment in Atlanta it was right after the holidays two years ago. We got slow and he cut my hours to three days a week. This time he told me to stay home and never told me to come back. I even brought him work from a friend of mine that did me a favor. He charged him double and the shit has been sitting there a month. I hate that ASSHOLE! Still hungry? Read on.

No holiday would be complete without family and mine is fucked. My Father and I have been in a non-stop argument since I was about 21. We do take breaks every now and then to eat and sleep, but it's rare. Rather then go into detail which would fill a 1TB hard drive ( I hand wrote 18 pages during my scooter trip to LA alone )
I can sum it up by simply saying that my hate now outweighs my love for him. Sure I take him for granted, but I just don't care anymore. I am a basically angry person and you would be too if you worked for a piece of shit boss like me and lived with a loud, miserable, short-tempered asshole Father like mine. If I have to spend Christmas or New Years Eve with him I'm going to start drinking at breakfast. Viva Familia!

So where am I now? To recap I'm jobless, I'm blessed, I'm pissed, I'm full of rage, the likes I've never felt before and believe it or not, as silly as it sounds, I'm full of hope. Sometimes having nothing is the best way to get something and the loss of a job is a chance to fulfill a dream. I've made my dreams come true before. I've worked hard and did what I had to so for me starting 2011 unemployed is like sitting on the starting line of a race and I'm going to win, damn it!

Well I have to run. I'm starting to get all warm and fuzzy inside ( dashing through the snow ) thinking about the awesome ( jingle bells, jingle bells ) gift I got for my little ( oh what fun it is ) buddy and his sister.

So I feel alright at the moment. Just remember this kids: " Good or bad, this too shall pass. " If you don't believe me just read some of my older posts.