So FUCKING tired. So FUCKING what!

Last night I forced my self to get on my motorcycle and spend my last few dollars on beer and dinner at this mediocre Mexican place a couple of miles from my place.

I had three 34oz beers and a little bit of food. I came home and picked an old Townes Van Zandt song called Flyin' Shoes. Then I set up my noose and stared at it. I decided to sleep on it and popped a sleeping pill and went to bed.

I woke up feeling just as bad, if not worse than I did last night. I had a small bowl of cereal and then came down here to sit and think. Outside the sun is shining and the sky is clear, yet it still seems dark to me. It's my fault for putting all I have into one person. It's not fair to him. I wish I could be normal.

I wish I had the guts to hang myself, but I doubt I ever will. I'll probably end up locked up in some mental hospital. Who knows?

I'm just so tired of being sick. I'm tired of shaking and hurting. I'm tired of me... the way I am and I'm tired of begging God to change me. He cursed me with being ugly, insecure and having thoughts in my mind that I don't want.

It's bullshit, all of it!

I can't sleep or I sleep too much... way too much. I rarely every get it right.

I only feel anger and/or pain and sometimes I just want to feel nothing at all.

I want to cry so I can feel alive.

I have to fake happiness but sometimes I just can't.

I hurt everyone around me, especially one I love most.

I have unhealthy and weird thoughts, wants and dreams.

I like the feeling of being used.

I long to feel " below " others, especially the one I love.

I am indeed a weird person.

My life, my body only takes up space on earth.

There is no good inside me.

I try to buy love because I have none to give. Love is just a word I use often because maybe if I say it enough, I'll feel it.

For every hour of happiness I have they're 48 or more of pain, confusion and sadness.

I contemplate suicide often but one person keeps me here... _______.

Money is gone. I had it and now it's gone.

Due to my own accord my health is declining.

Alcohol no longer masks my emotions so I don't drink much. Plus even it did help with the pain, I've grown to be comfortably in agony.

Even on the brightest of days I never see the sun.

I don't know how to be a friend and I TRULY don't know how or why anyone would want to be mine.

I have been used by so many people that I now lust for it.

I take a mood stabilizer... I guess it assure me that my depression is stabilized.

I want to get better but I know I can't because God has chosen me as to endure this. I am his fucking joke. I am here to suffer. It's my role.

The more I get, the more I want.

I am ugly... it's not my fault.

This is just a whisper that I wish someone would here but it also sounds like I am trying to get someone to feel sorry enough for me to love me. What the fuck is wrong with me? I don't deserve to have any friends.

If I'm still around when Dad dies I am going to sell everything and just go away. Lie about my name and age and disappear.

Thanks for reading and FUCK YOU!

my penis

... it's barely 6" long and horrible when flacid.

FUCK