I love you. You know that.
Even though I didn't raise you I do love you.
I don't mean to bug you but I know I do at times.
Take your contact lenses out at least every other day. You may not believe it, but you are messing up your eyes.
Hold your fork right in public. Good table manners are cool and I'm not trying to be a dick or put you down.
Pick up after yourself. Nobody ( including MOST girls ) likes an unorganized home.
Keep up with your belongings. It helps in not losing things even though you rarely do... it's just advice.
Keep your dick in your pants for now and concentrate on school. Girls come and go and now is not the time.
I would say don't do drugs but that will never be a problem with you.
Take care of your things, respect them. Even the smallest things you have were paid for with hard work. Remember that.
Remember that there is only one God and he not only loves you but judges you.
Finally never forget those that truly love you. Not just the ones that say it, but the ones that prove it.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
down-up-down...
Wow! At this very second I feel ok.
Friday is my 38th birthday and at 12:00 I have my psych appointment. After that D and I are gonna hit the river somewhere. COOL!
I been sittin here thinking of things that used to make me happy.
1. Mr. W
2.playing my guitar ( barely have the desire to pick it up anymore )
3. riding my bike ( looking at it makes me sick because I have to spend $1000 just to make it comfortable )
4. exercise ( I haven't done this in a while but vow to start again today )
5. The feeling of being of loved ( I know it's there, I know it is )
6. Working on modifying my vehicles ( but my I HATE my truck )
The only thing is that only one of these makes me happy ALL the time is Mr. W. but I feel like I'm bothering him because I keep asking him weird questions... he's just a kid and I need to leave him alone. I want to run but I don't. I know he loves me. I just wish he'd say it more but then again he is just a teenager.
It just sucks that I can't seem to break free of this depression due to my obsession.
I'm not giving up just yet though. Maybe D will help, maybe he won't. Maybe he can't. Maybe I'm looking in the wrong direction or expecting too much.
Exercise will help like it has in the past. I have stayed depressed for about 2 weeks steady now with not even one break. I HAVE TO BEAT THIS!
I HAVE TO WIN! I have too much love in me and around me to let go.
Friday is my 38th birthday and at 12:00 I have my psych appointment. After that D and I are gonna hit the river somewhere. COOL!
I been sittin here thinking of things that used to make me happy.
1. Mr. W
2.playing my guitar ( barely have the desire to pick it up anymore )
3. riding my bike ( looking at it makes me sick because I have to spend $1000 just to make it comfortable )
4. exercise ( I haven't done this in a while but vow to start again today )
5. The feeling of being of loved ( I know it's there, I know it is )
6. Working on modifying my vehicles ( but my I HATE my truck )
The only thing is that only one of these makes me happy ALL the time is Mr. W. but I feel like I'm bothering him because I keep asking him weird questions... he's just a kid and I need to leave him alone. I want to run but I don't. I know he loves me. I just wish he'd say it more but then again he is just a teenager.
It just sucks that I can't seem to break free of this depression due to my obsession.
I'm not giving up just yet though. Maybe D will help, maybe he won't. Maybe he can't. Maybe I'm looking in the wrong direction or expecting too much.
Exercise will help like it has in the past. I have stayed depressed for about 2 weeks steady now with not even one break. I HAVE TO BEAT THIS!
I HAVE TO WIN! I have too much love in me and around me to let go.
I just fucked up again
I was supposed to go tubing today with D and his family. We got a late start to the day which left more and more time for my already declining mood to sink lower. Still I vowed to fight it and have a good time.
They finally came and picked me up around 12:30. Devin was kinda quiet. Probably because he stayed up late which made me feel a little bad since he never does with me, but not a big deal.
Anyway I started feeling worse and started shaking and having trouble breathing. I lied and told them to run me back by the house because I forgot my wallet. When we got here and ran out of the truck and told them I wasn't going. I was and am so afraid to fuck up D's day. I can't shake my depression. Plus seeing Matt ( his mom's boyfriend ) and D together made me think of them fucking me ov'.. I mean forgetting me when we were all supposed to go kayaking.
That was not really the issue though. It's me. I just can't seem to keep searching for something that may or not be there. Shit, he has to love me. He's just not as deep or emotional as I am.
So here I sit home alone as usual. I wish I would have went. It may have helped me feel better but I may have just drug everyone around me down. I can't hurt that kid. I can't and if I can help it I won't.
I'm just tired of hurting.
Last night after months of considering suicide I finally got a plan together. I am
( if I do it )going to hang myself. I have a heavy duty belt with metal rings in it just beg enough to let a long drywall screw pass through. I did some measurements and figured I could wrap the belt around my neck while on a stool and then drill the screws through the metal rings into the 2x6 support beam atop the walkway in my room.
What's stopping me? Two things. One is D and the hope that our friendship will blossom rather than sour and the other thing is that there might be medication out there that will truly help. Friday is my birthday and on that day at 12 noon I have an appointment with my Psych Doctor. Hopefully she can get me on the right shit this time.
The only other thing bothering me is that my dick is under 6". It never bothered me before but now it is driving me to the point where I have been searching for penis enlargement devices and even considering surgery ( yes they do that ). Now I'm obsessed with penis size and having a friend with a huge one, I want to see it so bad it is making me physically sick. What the fuck is wrong with me? I am so mad at God for making me this way. Sick obsessions and a fucked up mind.. depressed. I don't deserve to be!
Actually there are a few more things but they are not too major. One, like many people is money and the other is my piece of shit truck. I have had so many nice vehicles and to not be driving a white trash truck at my age is shameful.
I should have just went tubing! I fuck up everything.
They finally came and picked me up around 12:30. Devin was kinda quiet. Probably because he stayed up late which made me feel a little bad since he never does with me, but not a big deal.
Anyway I started feeling worse and started shaking and having trouble breathing. I lied and told them to run me back by the house because I forgot my wallet. When we got here and ran out of the truck and told them I wasn't going. I was and am so afraid to fuck up D's day. I can't shake my depression. Plus seeing Matt ( his mom's boyfriend ) and D together made me think of them fucking me ov'.. I mean forgetting me when we were all supposed to go kayaking.
That was not really the issue though. It's me. I just can't seem to keep searching for something that may or not be there. Shit, he has to love me. He's just not as deep or emotional as I am.
So here I sit home alone as usual. I wish I would have went. It may have helped me feel better but I may have just drug everyone around me down. I can't hurt that kid. I can't and if I can help it I won't.
I'm just tired of hurting.
Last night after months of considering suicide I finally got a plan together. I am
( if I do it )going to hang myself. I have a heavy duty belt with metal rings in it just beg enough to let a long drywall screw pass through. I did some measurements and figured I could wrap the belt around my neck while on a stool and then drill the screws through the metal rings into the 2x6 support beam atop the walkway in my room.
What's stopping me? Two things. One is D and the hope that our friendship will blossom rather than sour and the other thing is that there might be medication out there that will truly help. Friday is my birthday and on that day at 12 noon I have an appointment with my Psych Doctor. Hopefully she can get me on the right shit this time.
The only other thing bothering me is that my dick is under 6". It never bothered me before but now it is driving me to the point where I have been searching for penis enlargement devices and even considering surgery ( yes they do that ). Now I'm obsessed with penis size and having a friend with a huge one, I want to see it so bad it is making me physically sick. What the fuck is wrong with me? I am so mad at God for making me this way. Sick obsessions and a fucked up mind.. depressed. I don't deserve to be!
Actually there are a few more things but they are not too major. One, like many people is money and the other is my piece of shit truck. I have had so many nice vehicles and to not be driving a white trash truck at my age is shameful.
I should have just went tubing! I fuck up everything.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
W.T.F. is W.W.M.???
"I wanted to see it. I caught it out of the corner of my eye..."
I always dreamed of someone, something like this, but it is only partially a dream come true. I am trying to take a friendship and turn it into my dream. I am trying to distort it and it will never come to reality (someone to love me as much as I love). The funny thing is that I don't want it ( my dream ) to come true. I can't handle the yin and the yang. hahahahaha
Things are good. I'm the only one with the problem because I can't get these weird thoughts and obsessions out of my head. Since I can't have what I want my stupidity has evolved into a hunger to be humiliated. I can't believe it, but it's true. I'm ashamed of the inner "me" and feel as though if only I could be humiliated by... someone... then somehow it would make me feel better.
To be looked down upon is in some ways better than being overlooked at all; or is it?
Sometimes in my twisted, sober dreams I wish none of this ever happened and that I was still caught up in my own loneliness, but feeling this way is in some ways a good thing. Because of this I have realized that my biggest problem is and has always been me.
God has done so much for me as well as to me. He has given me love and with that love he has taunted and tortured me. My love is deeper than yours, not his, but yours. I think this is a big reason for my current bout of depression. I need to here " I love you " but not just as a reply to mine. I want to hear others say it on their own accord. I want to be loved as much as I love.
My mind, my thoughts, like my love is deep. I still feel as though I have no match, no equal.
I KNOW I am loved. I know it with all my heart and still I have to hear it. Damn my insecurities!
Damn my lack of social intellect! Damn my desire and damn it all I will NOT give up. I am going to learn from my mistakes. I am not gonna hurt anyone anymore. What I will do is seek humiliation high. If I can not be kicked in the face on earth then I will seek it elsewhere if only in my mind.
I just have to stop looking for everything I want in one person. It's not fair to them. I need to embrace all that I have in others rather than focus on the few things I don't.
Still I just want to hear you say "I love you" everyday.
I will give and you reluctantly take and all I want is a punch in the face. Step on me. Walk on me. Not only will it truly make me happy, it will make me love you more.
Wrap your arms around me when you hug me or please, slap me in the face. I don't know which one I want more.
Oh I hope you know this is just a vent and I mean no harm at all. Do not be angered by this electric sheet of paper for it is only a random page in my mind.
Now hit me :)
I always dreamed of someone, something like this, but it is only partially a dream come true. I am trying to take a friendship and turn it into my dream. I am trying to distort it and it will never come to reality (someone to love me as much as I love). The funny thing is that I don't want it ( my dream ) to come true. I can't handle the yin and the yang. hahahahaha
Things are good. I'm the only one with the problem because I can't get these weird thoughts and obsessions out of my head. Since I can't have what I want my stupidity has evolved into a hunger to be humiliated. I can't believe it, but it's true. I'm ashamed of the inner "me" and feel as though if only I could be humiliated by... someone... then somehow it would make me feel better.
To be looked down upon is in some ways better than being overlooked at all; or is it?
Sometimes in my twisted, sober dreams I wish none of this ever happened and that I was still caught up in my own loneliness, but feeling this way is in some ways a good thing. Because of this I have realized that my biggest problem is and has always been me.
God has done so much for me as well as to me. He has given me love and with that love he has taunted and tortured me. My love is deeper than yours, not his, but yours. I think this is a big reason for my current bout of depression. I need to here " I love you " but not just as a reply to mine. I want to hear others say it on their own accord. I want to be loved as much as I love.
My mind, my thoughts, like my love is deep. I still feel as though I have no match, no equal.
I KNOW I am loved. I know it with all my heart and still I have to hear it. Damn my insecurities!
Damn my lack of social intellect! Damn my desire and damn it all I will NOT give up. I am going to learn from my mistakes. I am not gonna hurt anyone anymore. What I will do is seek humiliation high. If I can not be kicked in the face on earth then I will seek it elsewhere if only in my mind.
I just have to stop looking for everything I want in one person. It's not fair to them. I need to embrace all that I have in others rather than focus on the few things I don't.
Still I just want to hear you say "I love you" everyday.
I will give and you reluctantly take and all I want is a punch in the face. Step on me. Walk on me. Not only will it truly make me happy, it will make me love you more.
Wrap your arms around me when you hug me or please, slap me in the face. I don't know which one I want more.
Oh I hope you know this is just a vent and I mean no harm at all. Do not be angered by this electric sheet of paper for it is only a random page in my mind.
Now hit me :)
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