The Bear and The Lion!

It's just so damn obvious. The only time I ever write in this blog is when I'm angry, sad or both yet tonight is different. I'm actually not too angry or sad, but then again I am. I'm actually feeling more anxious than anything right now. I have two beautiful girls I can go see right now and yet I site here alone. I'm afraid of going. I always am. Every time I walk into a public place alone I can't help but feel like all eyes are on me and I don't mean that in a good way. I just feel like people stare at me and snicker behind my back. I guess you could call it social anxiety but I just call it my personality. So here I am all dressed up and ready to go and instead of leaving I'm blogging to myself.

Anyway since this isn't a legit blog I'll just go on.

This weekend has been pretty good. I worked all day Friday around the house and then messed around with my truck today. A friend came over and she and I watched some of the Dexter series which is my favorite show at the moment. Then she left and I just sat in the garage for a few hours... just sat there. Then I came inside and stared at the TV not even knowing what was on. I left and went to a drive through and now I'm back home. I guess it hasn't been a great weekend but it definitely hasn't been the worst.

It's so bad. Literately as I sit here I can physically feel my mood decline. I wish I could describe this sensation. I don't know why I can not considering how many times I've felt it. It's like something in my head slides down my neck and into my chest and I feel weight. I feel weight on my shoulders and neck and my breathing seems to take a conscious effort. My surrounding seem to dim and no matter where I am I want to run away. Even when I'm alone. I wish I could escape this. I want to be normal like everyone else, just not as simple-minded.

I think my battle with superiority and inferiority is one of the biggest issues I face when trying to blend in with society in general. I mean it's like these two very real extremes.
One is the bear and the bear is big and ugly and mean and nobody likes him. He never knows what to say and if he ever tries to speak he always says the wrong things. The bear realizes that it is best for him to stay in his cave and not be bothered at all but the bear is lonely.
The other is the lion and the lion is strong and handsome and very much smarter than anyone else in the jungle. In fact he is so smart that it is hard for him to make friends because the only way he can communicate with anyone is to " dumb down " but that scares him because he's afraid if he continues to do this he may forget how smart his is.
The only things the bear and the lion really have in common is that they both believe it is better off to be alone, they both are probably wrong and they both reside in me.
I am the bear and I am the lion.

I am the bear...

I am the lion...

So FUCKING tired. So FUCKING what!

Last night I forced my self to get on my motorcycle and spend my last few dollars on beer and dinner at this mediocre Mexican place a couple of miles from my place.

I had three 34oz beers and a little bit of food. I came home and picked an old Townes Van Zandt song called Flyin' Shoes. Then I set up my noose and stared at it. I decided to sleep on it and popped a sleeping pill and went to bed.

I woke up feeling just as bad, if not worse than I did last night. I had a small bowl of cereal and then came down here to sit and think. Outside the sun is shining and the sky is clear, yet it still seems dark to me. It's my fault for putting all I have into one person. It's not fair to him. I wish I could be normal.

I wish I had the guts to hang myself, but I doubt I ever will. I'll probably end up locked up in some mental hospital. Who knows?

I'm just so tired of being sick. I'm tired of shaking and hurting. I'm tired of me... the way I am and I'm tired of begging God to change me. He cursed me with being ugly, insecure and having thoughts in my mind that I don't want.

It's bullshit, all of it!

I can't sleep or I sleep too much... way too much. I rarely every get it right.

I only feel anger and/or pain and sometimes I just want to feel nothing at all.

I want to cry so I can feel alive.

I have to fake happiness but sometimes I just can't.

I hurt everyone around me, especially one I love most.

I have unhealthy and weird thoughts, wants and dreams.

I like the feeling of being used.

I long to feel " below " others, especially the one I love.

I am indeed a weird person.

My life, my body only takes up space on earth.

There is no good inside me.

I try to buy love because I have none to give. Love is just a word I use often because maybe if I say it enough, I'll feel it.

For every hour of happiness I have they're 48 or more of pain, confusion and sadness.

I contemplate suicide often but one person keeps me here... _______.

Money is gone. I had it and now it's gone.

Due to my own accord my health is declining.

Alcohol no longer masks my emotions so I don't drink much. Plus even it did help with the pain, I've grown to be comfortably in agony.

Even on the brightest of days I never see the sun.

I don't know how to be a friend and I TRULY don't know how or why anyone would want to be mine.

I have been used by so many people that I now lust for it.

I take a mood stabilizer... I guess it assure me that my depression is stabilized.

I want to get better but I know I can't because God has chosen me as to endure this. I am his fucking joke. I am here to suffer. It's my role.

The more I get, the more I want.

I am ugly... it's not my fault.

This is just a whisper that I wish someone would here but it also sounds like I am trying to get someone to feel sorry enough for me to love me. What the fuck is wrong with me? I don't deserve to have any friends.

If I'm still around when Dad dies I am going to sell everything and just go away. Lie about my name and age and disappear.

Thanks for reading and FUCK YOU!

my penis

... it's barely 6" long and horrible when flacid.

FUCK

dooooood

I love you. You know that.
Even though I didn't raise you I do love you.
I don't mean to bug you but I know I do at times.

Take your contact lenses out at least every other day. You may not believe it, but you are messing up your eyes.

Hold your fork right in public. Good table manners are cool and I'm not trying to be a dick or put you down.

Pick up after yourself. Nobody ( including MOST girls ) likes an unorganized home.

Keep up with your belongings. It helps in not losing things even though you rarely do... it's just advice.

Keep your dick in your pants for now and concentrate on school. Girls come and go and now is not the time.

I would say don't do drugs but that will never be a problem with you.

Take care of your things, respect them. Even the smallest things you have were paid for with hard work. Remember that.

Remember that there is only one God and he not only loves you but judges you.

Finally never forget those that truly love you. Not just the ones that say it, but the ones that prove it.

down-up-down...

Wow! At this very second I feel ok.

Friday is my 38th birthday and at 12:00 I have my psych appointment. After that D and I are gonna hit the river somewhere. COOL!

I been sittin here thinking of things that used to make me happy.

1. Mr. W
2.playing my guitar ( barely have the desire to pick it up anymore )
3. riding my bike ( looking at it makes me sick because I have to spend $1000 just to make it comfortable )
4. exercise ( I haven't done this in a while but vow to start again today )
5. The feeling of being of loved ( I know it's there, I know it is )
6. Working on modifying my vehicles ( but my I HATE my truck )

The only thing is that only one of these makes me happy ALL the time is Mr. W. but I feel like I'm bothering him because I keep asking him weird questions... he's just a kid and I need to leave him alone. I want to run but I don't. I know he loves me. I just wish he'd say it more but then again he is just a teenager.

It just sucks that I can't seem to break free of this depression due to my obsession.

I'm not giving up just yet though. Maybe D will help, maybe he won't. Maybe he can't. Maybe I'm looking in the wrong direction or expecting too much.

Exercise will help like it has in the past. I have stayed depressed for about 2 weeks steady now with not even one break. I HAVE TO BEAT THIS!

I HAVE TO WIN! I have too much love in me and around me to let go.

I just fucked up again

I was supposed to go tubing today with D and his family. We got a late start to the day which left more and more time for my already declining mood to sink lower. Still I vowed to fight it and have a good time.

They finally came and picked me up around 12:30. Devin was kinda quiet. Probably because he stayed up late which made me feel a little bad since he never does with me, but not a big deal.

Anyway I started feeling worse and started shaking and having trouble breathing. I lied and told them to run me back by the house because I forgot my wallet. When we got here and ran out of the truck and told them I wasn't going. I was and am so afraid to fuck up D's day. I can't shake my depression. Plus seeing Matt ( his mom's boyfriend ) and D together made me think of them fucking me ov'.. I mean forgetting me when we were all supposed to go kayaking.
That was not really the issue though. It's me. I just can't seem to keep searching for something that may or not be there. Shit, he has to love me. He's just not as deep or emotional as I am.

So here I sit home alone as usual. I wish I would have went. It may have helped me feel better but I may have just drug everyone around me down. I can't hurt that kid. I can't and if I can help it I won't.

I'm just tired of hurting.

Last night after months of considering suicide I finally got a plan together. I am
( if I do it )going to hang myself. I have a heavy duty belt with metal rings in it just beg enough to let a long drywall screw pass through. I did some measurements and figured I could wrap the belt around my neck while on a stool and then drill the screws through the metal rings into the 2x6 support beam atop the walkway in my room.

What's stopping me? Two things. One is D and the hope that our friendship will blossom rather than sour and the other thing is that there might be medication out there that will truly help. Friday is my birthday and on that day at 12 noon I have an appointment with my Psych Doctor. Hopefully she can get me on the right shit this time.

The only other thing bothering me is that my dick is under 6". It never bothered me before but now it is driving me to the point where I have been searching for penis enlargement devices and even considering surgery ( yes they do that ). Now I'm obsessed with penis size and having a friend with a huge one, I want to see it so bad it is making me physically sick. What the fuck is wrong with me? I am so mad at God for making me this way. Sick obsessions and a fucked up mind.. depressed. I don't deserve to be!

Actually there are a few more things but they are not too major. One, like many people is money and the other is my piece of shit truck. I have had so many nice vehicles and to not be driving a white trash truck at my age is shameful.

I should have just went tubing! I fuck up everything.