The Bear and The Lion!

It's just so damn obvious. The only time I ever write in this blog is when I'm angry, sad or both yet tonight is different. I'm actually not too angry or sad, but then again I am. I'm actually feeling more anxious than anything right now. I have two beautiful girls I can go see right now and yet I site here alone. I'm afraid of going. I always am. Every time I walk into a public place alone I can't help but feel like all eyes are on me and I don't mean that in a good way. I just feel like people stare at me and snicker behind my back. I guess you could call it social anxiety but I just call it my personality. So here I am all dressed up and ready to go and instead of leaving I'm blogging to myself.

Anyway since this isn't a legit blog I'll just go on.

This weekend has been pretty good. I worked all day Friday around the house and then messed around with my truck today. A friend came over and she and I watched some of the Dexter series which is my favorite show at the moment. Then she left and I just sat in the garage for a few hours... just sat there. Then I came inside and stared at the TV not even knowing what was on. I left and went to a drive through and now I'm back home. I guess it hasn't been a great weekend but it definitely hasn't been the worst.

It's so bad. Literately as I sit here I can physically feel my mood decline. I wish I could describe this sensation. I don't know why I can not considering how many times I've felt it. It's like something in my head slides down my neck and into my chest and I feel weight. I feel weight on my shoulders and neck and my breathing seems to take a conscious effort. My surrounding seem to dim and no matter where I am I want to run away. Even when I'm alone. I wish I could escape this. I want to be normal like everyone else, just not as simple-minded.

I think my battle with superiority and inferiority is one of the biggest issues I face when trying to blend in with society in general. I mean it's like these two very real extremes.
One is the bear and the bear is big and ugly and mean and nobody likes him. He never knows what to say and if he ever tries to speak he always says the wrong things. The bear realizes that it is best for him to stay in his cave and not be bothered at all but the bear is lonely.
The other is the lion and the lion is strong and handsome and very much smarter than anyone else in the jungle. In fact he is so smart that it is hard for him to make friends because the only way he can communicate with anyone is to " dumb down " but that scares him because he's afraid if he continues to do this he may forget how smart his is.
The only things the bear and the lion really have in common is that they both believe it is better off to be alone, they both are probably wrong and they both reside in me.
I am the bear and I am the lion.

I am the bear...

I am the lion...