Talking to Myself Again ( I not i )

My ass is sore. I've spent so much time behind this screen lately that my ass is sore. I lost my job two days before Thanksgiving 2010 and since then I've been hustling to pay the bills however, I have succeeded thus far.
Since I have so many followers I guess I'd better tell you all how I've managed to scrape by before the tension boils the water cooler at the office.
I've been bombing Craigslist with adverts for upholstery work and headliners. I've managed to get a few jobs from them as well as some referrals from a friend and the combination has " kept the lights on ". The problem is that I've had so much idle time spent online that I think I bruised my ass.
If any of you live here in Georgia I'm sure you've all heard the phrase " cabin fever " used quite a bit lately. After all we are just now thawed out after a very unusual snow and ice storm that kept the little ones out of school for a week. That has left many of us, myself included, away from work and falling behind. This week, if all goes well, will be very hectic for me as I not only have to come up with an extra $100 this week for supplies, but also the usual $500 for bills by the end of the month. To say the least mother nature has shared with us a bitter-sweet blessing.
My journey of self employment has made me realize that when you are your own boss you have to work harder and longer than you ever would for anyone else. You have to constantly be on the look out for work and potential customers. You no longer are payed by the hour, rather a full commission based salary. You stay awake at night wondering if tomorrow will bring in the rest of the money for your bills or if you make any money at all. On the upside if I ever decide to get serious about my health again, I can easily make the time to exercise. So far taking the risk to call my self self employed has been the scariest thing I've ever done, but honestly I think it is by far the best decision I've made in years.
Still with all my confidence I must remind myself that I do have a mental illness. I don't do this to dwell on failure or excuse the potential for doing so, but rather because my illness constantly reminds me of its' presence. I'm dangerously close to the " giving up " point in my life on so many levels, but then if you know me you have seen this all before. Once again my faith in people has been challenged and once again my doubt and regrets have returned to haunt me. I don't know why, but no matter how hard I try I still deem myself as unlovable. Kindness from others still instills a red flag in my mind and leads me to wonder what are someone's true motives are. I cannot convince myself otherwise. I do believe that there are people out there that genuinely do love me, but no matter how hard I try to believe it, when I'm away from them I feel unloved. I revert back to my familiar way of thinking which is quite frankly " all or none " believing that it is just not possible to find a gray area. I believe this to be part of my illness and I actually hope it's true. Surely my friends can still care about me even though they choose to spend time with others beside me, right? I wish I could believe it. I could even tell myself that over and over again and not believe it until I see them face-to-face. Then I will not only believe, but become consumed by just knowing that someone wants to share their life or at least some of it, with me.
Still as soon as we part i am left with a feeling of betrayal in knowing that they are going to laugh with someone else; that someone else is making them happy. Then I slip back into my lack of faith in and trust of others. I feel used. I know in some cases this is true, but I sometimes have trouble identifying the authenticity of the individual situation. I tend to see everything so unlike others and it makes me jealous of the fact that they are " normal ". I guess that's why even though people always seem to like me upon a first meeting, friendship rarely, if ever, evolves further.
I guess in a way it's a good thing that I don't have many friends because i do tend to value friendship too highly or maybe I just take people too seriously. I'm not sure. I just don't have a clear understanding of people at even an elementary level. I have a disease though there are no obvious indications of my disease. I guess it's fair to say that no one will ever understand me or try to do so while I, on the other hand, may never truly understand others but will waste the rest of my life trying to do just that. I think the best situation for me would be to live alone and with very little human contact this way not only will I not be hurt anymore, I will also not have the chance to confuse or corrupt others.
I constantly feel the need to apologize to the ones I admire the most. The ones i feel are a true gift from God. These are few and far between but these special people that come and go in my life, the ones I treasure most are the ones I fuck up the most. I get angry at them when they are not around and I say mean things to them sometimes because of my lack of trust and/or jealousy as stated before. This in turn reminds me of my Father and all of this is part of the reason for my attempts of suicide. Even then i would have to apologize prior to the act. Still at times I am jealous of those before me who have succeeded. If they were as confused and hurt as i often find myself then I imagine that that may have been the best option.
This is the first time in my life that I have been able to clearly put into words what's going on in my mind so I leave you with a final thought, a question and it is this:

What pill do I take to fix this, what class do I attend and who among you are willing to take the time to help me?

I should have learned my lesson

I can't get you out of my head
No matter how I try
Maybe if I was human
I'd let go and cry

I should have learned my lesson
I've done it a thousand times
Believing in forever
Believing that you're mine

I met so many like you
Each time I went blind
I thought that you were special
and It was real this time

But we're just temporary
A wrinkle left in time
Although I'll always remember
those feelings in my mind (in my mind)

I've thanked God that I met you
and Also cursed the day
Now that you have left me
Your memories won't fade (I wish they'd go away)

I never even told you
I never told a soul
The way that I have loved you
and Thoughts I can't control

But we're just temporary
A wrinkle left in time
Although I'll always remember
those feelings in my mind... in my mind... in my mind!