a hundred degrees and it still feels like winter
nothing is simple and nothing is new
the face of child will tear you to pieces
better a memory than a dream that came true
selfish indulgence basks in depression
try not to think of those left behind
open your eyes so you don't have to see her
cover your ears and you won't hear her cry
laden by guilt of the prison created
by foolish kindness you shouldn't have shared
you cracked open their lives and filled them with illusions
illusions of someone that you'll never be
and if they remember then what are their memories
something you did or you didn't do
he joked once and told me I was a monster, bad person
so I sang him a song and shed not a tear
building a home and building a future
all the time only building a tomb
so I sang him a song and shed not a tear
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
tired...
Oh!
It's just been so long since I've talked to myself. Lately, well for the past several weeks, I've just been letting life take me where it will and following the lead.
About a month or so ago I (re)met a girl that I knew briefly when I was a young teen boy. Funny huh? Well what is funny is that at the exact time we were reintroduced I was actually drunk. I really don't think it has anything to do with it, but I was. Since that day we have been together almost every day. The time we spend together is fun, but even more so is the time I've spent with her son, D. Before I get too far ahead of myself, which I often do, let me explain the whole situation. She lives only a few miles from me, is my same age and has tow teenagers. The youngest being the boy and her daughter being a few years older at 16.
I really don't know what to think of the girl. We'll call her K. She is pretty and seems to be really nice and very respectful. She has a few tastefully done piercings and in my opinion, she dresses nice. She only likes black boys and she has gotten in a little trouble lately ( sneaking out of the house at night which to me is typical teenage b.s. ). Overall I personally do not have a problem with her. However, I do have problems with the situation in general.
D! He's the ripe age of 13 and looks like your typical scrawny kid. Shaggy hair and all. I feel as though he has taken a strong liking to me and that is a very stressful situation because I've let it happen. I really enjoy my time with him and if you've never taught a child anything ( power tools, guitar, etc. ) then you probably wouldn't understand. As soon as we began to hang out, after knowing some of his past, my first reaction was to father him. I think that it's not a good idea. I'm scared.
Momma on the other hand is another story, but not a bad one. As I mentioned earlier we are the same age. She, like my self is a few pounds overweight, but NOT a fatty. She is a really nice person. She raised her kids basically on her own although she was in a long relationship with a black man which the kids pretty much consider their Dad. Momma is anything, but soft-spoken. As she says; she doesn't have much, but what she does is hers. That's pretty cool because the kids have all the basics they need and do not live in poverty. That doesn't mean she doesn't have trouble making ends meet, but these days few people I know don't.
Momma and myself seem to get along well and have been hanging out for about 6 weeks or so. Oddly I've never even kissed her. This doesn't bother me. I don't feel romantically attached to her. I do consider her a friend. I like her kids. I'm just afraid of responsibility. Not that she has ever asked me for a thing nor have her kids. However, things may soon change nonetheless.
As any of you who know me will attest to my Father and I rarely get along. In fact there is ( at least in myself ) a certain degree of love and HATE for my Father. Since I've been spending more and more time with Momma and the kids my Father has been worse and worse. He's said so many bad things about her and her kids and it hurts me. Is she perfect? No. Are the kids? No Am I? No. Is my Father? HELL NO! This man will stop at nothing to hurt me and if he can't get to me directly he will scoff those I care about to hurt me even more. This is nothing new to him. As a child and young adult he always put my friends down in order to get to me. No one has ever been good enough. Not one friend, not one girlfriend. No one. Even those he is kind to face-to-face he will put down immeasurably when they are not around.
The hate for my Father is mirrored only to the hate of myself for letting him, my boss and many other people/places/things. Tension is so thick in this house right now. This Friday things got so bad that I snapped. I wanted to hit him. He constantly tells me to my face that I don't love him. He told me that me and Momma are going to marry and he said what a bitch she was. MANY other defilement! I snapped and pushed him. It felt good. I balled my fists and he kept YELLING! I began swinging... I hit myself so many times in the face that I bruised myself. It keeps going escalating higher and higher.
I want to leave. I want to run away. I want peace.
To add to the stress of a new relationship/friendship and D and K ( the kids ) and my Father, I'm still having chest pains daily.
I had the last week off from work without pay while my boss was on vacation. By " without pay " I mean not only was I not compensated for the week away from work, but he went out of town owing me the previous week's pay as well as the larger portion of the week prior. That's right. He went away for a week with not so much as giving me a tank of gas which would have been nice considering that I burned up an entire tank of gas in one day running errands for him, also with no compensation.
I'm ready to get off this ride. I don't really know what keeps me hanging on. I just don't. If you asked me a week ago what it is that makes me happy I'd quickly reply, D. But he doesn't need me. He may think he does, but he doesn't. My mood swings, my mental illness is real. I'm not one of those " designer depression " types. Mental illness runs in my family. We hurt each other. We hurt the ones we love. How can I put Momma or her kids through this; through me? I can't. The longer I hold on, the worse it will be for all of us.
For some people it's hard to hold on, for others it's hard to let go. None of these are hard for me. I have no problem holding on to my " no where " job with imaginary pay. I have no problem letting go of the love of my Father. No, my only problem is guts. I have none. I've been contemplating suicide for years now... ever since my last attempt which was interrupted with an unanticipated call from an old acquaintance. Well he did call the police. I need guts. I mean I don't have emotions like most people. My emotions are deep!
I used to write to express myself; to " get it out " but I can't even write anymore. I can't express myself in any way anymore. The one thing I had left is gone, but still here I am doing what I always do. Writing. Wishing. Hoping. Nothing ever changes and at the same time everything is changing faster than ever before.
I got high. Every time I do I fall. This time I was higher than ever, but now I'm riding down a landslide back into my own cesspool of shit. Ex business partner, The machine shop, Mini' Truckin', alcohol abuse, my boss, my Father, my stolen toys, everything. Fat. Everything I have ever achieved I've given away. I am a whore.
I have been having so much trouble sleeping and I haven't seen my psychiatrist in a long while. I know I need to go see her, but what can we accomplish? What can I accomplish? It's always the same old shit: " get a better job ", " move out ", " you can do it ". Bullshit! I HAVE TRIED!!!
I really just want to be alone. I really just want to be around happy people. I really just want to die. I really just want to be happy. I really want my Dad to go away. I don't want to see him die, but sometimes I look forward to his death. We are sick, He and I. We are murderers. We are suckers. I hate him. I hate him. I lo', hate him. Nothing on this earth can repair the damage he has caused. I hate his business partner. He fucks.
I'm not gonna do anything yet because I haven't hurt enough yet. I stress so much over a job that does NOTHING for me. I'm going on four years of dedication for nothing, especially not for me. I'm educated. I'm smart. I'm a sucker. My life is hate, self inflicted pain. I'm a whipping boy for my Father. I don't want to hurt D. I can take pain. I say I can't, but my actions prove otherwise.
I'm hiding away at home away from Momma and the kids. I don't want them to see me like this.
Why can't I be normal? Why can't I be happy? Why can't I have a real job... one that deserves me?
People can't make people happy. One will always hurt the other. I'm hurt. I hurt. I will hurt you. FUCK!
It's just been so long since I've talked to myself. Lately, well for the past several weeks, I've just been letting life take me where it will and following the lead.
About a month or so ago I (re)met a girl that I knew briefly when I was a young teen boy. Funny huh? Well what is funny is that at the exact time we were reintroduced I was actually drunk. I really don't think it has anything to do with it, but I was. Since that day we have been together almost every day. The time we spend together is fun, but even more so is the time I've spent with her son, D. Before I get too far ahead of myself, which I often do, let me explain the whole situation. She lives only a few miles from me, is my same age and has tow teenagers. The youngest being the boy and her daughter being a few years older at 16.
I really don't know what to think of the girl. We'll call her K. She is pretty and seems to be really nice and very respectful. She has a few tastefully done piercings and in my opinion, she dresses nice. She only likes black boys and she has gotten in a little trouble lately ( sneaking out of the house at night which to me is typical teenage b.s. ). Overall I personally do not have a problem with her. However, I do have problems with the situation in general.
D! He's the ripe age of 13 and looks like your typical scrawny kid. Shaggy hair and all. I feel as though he has taken a strong liking to me and that is a very stressful situation because I've let it happen. I really enjoy my time with him and if you've never taught a child anything ( power tools, guitar, etc. ) then you probably wouldn't understand. As soon as we began to hang out, after knowing some of his past, my first reaction was to father him. I think that it's not a good idea. I'm scared.
Momma on the other hand is another story, but not a bad one. As I mentioned earlier we are the same age. She, like my self is a few pounds overweight, but NOT a fatty. She is a really nice person. She raised her kids basically on her own although she was in a long relationship with a black man which the kids pretty much consider their Dad. Momma is anything, but soft-spoken. As she says; she doesn't have much, but what she does is hers. That's pretty cool because the kids have all the basics they need and do not live in poverty. That doesn't mean she doesn't have trouble making ends meet, but these days few people I know don't.
Momma and myself seem to get along well and have been hanging out for about 6 weeks or so. Oddly I've never even kissed her. This doesn't bother me. I don't feel romantically attached to her. I do consider her a friend. I like her kids. I'm just afraid of responsibility. Not that she has ever asked me for a thing nor have her kids. However, things may soon change nonetheless.
As any of you who know me will attest to my Father and I rarely get along. In fact there is ( at least in myself ) a certain degree of love and HATE for my Father. Since I've been spending more and more time with Momma and the kids my Father has been worse and worse. He's said so many bad things about her and her kids and it hurts me. Is she perfect? No. Are the kids? No Am I? No. Is my Father? HELL NO! This man will stop at nothing to hurt me and if he can't get to me directly he will scoff those I care about to hurt me even more. This is nothing new to him. As a child and young adult he always put my friends down in order to get to me. No one has ever been good enough. Not one friend, not one girlfriend. No one. Even those he is kind to face-to-face he will put down immeasurably when they are not around.
The hate for my Father is mirrored only to the hate of myself for letting him, my boss and many other people/places/things. Tension is so thick in this house right now. This Friday things got so bad that I snapped. I wanted to hit him. He constantly tells me to my face that I don't love him. He told me that me and Momma are going to marry and he said what a bitch she was. MANY other defilement! I snapped and pushed him. It felt good. I balled my fists and he kept YELLING! I began swinging... I hit myself so many times in the face that I bruised myself. It keeps going escalating higher and higher.
I want to leave. I want to run away. I want peace.
To add to the stress of a new relationship/friendship and D and K ( the kids ) and my Father, I'm still having chest pains daily.
I had the last week off from work without pay while my boss was on vacation. By " without pay " I mean not only was I not compensated for the week away from work, but he went out of town owing me the previous week's pay as well as the larger portion of the week prior. That's right. He went away for a week with not so much as giving me a tank of gas which would have been nice considering that I burned up an entire tank of gas in one day running errands for him, also with no compensation.
I'm ready to get off this ride. I don't really know what keeps me hanging on. I just don't. If you asked me a week ago what it is that makes me happy I'd quickly reply, D. But he doesn't need me. He may think he does, but he doesn't. My mood swings, my mental illness is real. I'm not one of those " designer depression " types. Mental illness runs in my family. We hurt each other. We hurt the ones we love. How can I put Momma or her kids through this; through me? I can't. The longer I hold on, the worse it will be for all of us.
For some people it's hard to hold on, for others it's hard to let go. None of these are hard for me. I have no problem holding on to my " no where " job with imaginary pay. I have no problem letting go of the love of my Father. No, my only problem is guts. I have none. I've been contemplating suicide for years now... ever since my last attempt which was interrupted with an unanticipated call from an old acquaintance. Well he did call the police. I need guts. I mean I don't have emotions like most people. My emotions are deep!
I used to write to express myself; to " get it out " but I can't even write anymore. I can't express myself in any way anymore. The one thing I had left is gone, but still here I am doing what I always do. Writing. Wishing. Hoping. Nothing ever changes and at the same time everything is changing faster than ever before.
I got high. Every time I do I fall. This time I was higher than ever, but now I'm riding down a landslide back into my own cesspool of shit. Ex business partner, The machine shop, Mini' Truckin', alcohol abuse, my boss, my Father, my stolen toys, everything. Fat. Everything I have ever achieved I've given away. I am a whore.
I have been having so much trouble sleeping and I haven't seen my psychiatrist in a long while. I know I need to go see her, but what can we accomplish? What can I accomplish? It's always the same old shit: " get a better job ", " move out ", " you can do it ". Bullshit! I HAVE TRIED!!!
I really just want to be alone. I really just want to be around happy people. I really just want to die. I really just want to be happy. I really want my Dad to go away. I don't want to see him die, but sometimes I look forward to his death. We are sick, He and I. We are murderers. We are suckers. I hate him. I hate him. I lo', hate him. Nothing on this earth can repair the damage he has caused. I hate his business partner. He fucks.
I'm not gonna do anything yet because I haven't hurt enough yet. I stress so much over a job that does NOTHING for me. I'm going on four years of dedication for nothing, especially not for me. I'm educated. I'm smart. I'm a sucker. My life is hate, self inflicted pain. I'm a whipping boy for my Father. I don't want to hurt D. I can take pain. I say I can't, but my actions prove otherwise.
I'm hiding away at home away from Momma and the kids. I don't want them to see me like this.
Why can't I be normal? Why can't I be happy? Why can't I have a real job... one that deserves me?
People can't make people happy. One will always hurt the other. I'm hurt. I hurt. I will hurt you. FUCK!
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