My blog, My bitch session!

Well here we are again. And by we I mean my thoughts and I. It seems to me that there is no escape at all from my mundane existence. I'm still stuck in the same " no where " job, which by the way my boss is still constantly behind on my small hourly wage pay. I mean it really doesn't matter though. I'm 36 years old and rarely clear $300/week. On top of that there are no taxes taken out and absolutely no benefits. This makes it difficult to be able to afford my monthly psychiatric medications, psychiatric doctor visits, health insurance and daily cost of living. Which brings me to my next paragraph: The Cost of my Living.

What does it cost me to live? Well that's a good question. Most would answer this question with a vague dollar amount, but my answer is a little less than those of the general population. Here, I'll make a list.

1. First and foremost the cost of my living is my esteem. You see my esteem has be literately destroyed by a fowl-mouthed Father that has consistently put me down for as long as I can remember, He says otherwise, but I don't care what he says. The truth is actions speak louder than words. Anyone remember this cliche from childhood? On top of my loving Father, girls have constantly rejected me. Easily enough I have given up on them. Other reasons my esteem is almost non existent are the fact that I've really never had a good job with the exception of HiFi Buys and Precision Tool and Die ( which by the way fired me exactly a week after having a panic attack at work ).
A quick not on P.T.&D., The boys ( the owner's sons ) both suffer from some sort of mental illness. The youngest has O.C.D. and I believe may be on medication for it. The oldest has more complex issues and although I'm not sure what they are, it was difficult working side-by-side with him. On the day they fired me the oldest son, which by the way is a self-proclaimed Christian, told me that he didn't understand how I could be happy and talkative one minute and quiet and depressed the next. Hmmmm...
Yet another reason I've little self esteem is the fact that most of my peers throughout grade school viewed me as odd and constantly picked on me. Not a big deal.

2. The second cost of my living is the way I feel about myself; not so much my esteem, but my own external and internal self-image. The most important part of this is that I'm convinced there is not one peer in this world such as myself. In other words I feel utterly alone and know that nobody will ever understand me or even want to try. True no two humans are alike, but many have several things in common. For me they're few. I hate looking in the mirror. It sickens me.

3. Loneliness. Yes I have people in my life that I call friend. Some even may refer to me as a friend, but this is really not the case. I may be an asset in times of need for some, but a friend never. Nor am I much of a friend. I tend to disconnect myself from others. The reasoning is very complex, but I'll do my best to explain as abridged as possible:

People are NOT to be trusted!
NEVER let your guard down!
My heart is a rock.
Woman are always up to something and are only nice to you in order to either get something from you or to use you as a stepping stone.
Don't ever, under any circumstances, trust a self-proclaimed Christian.
I've been FUCKED by just about everyone I've ever encountered in my life starting with my Grandmother all the way up to my current boss ( with the exception of those " just acquaintances ".
I don't fit in with people, normal people, party people, happy people, wiggers, thugs, rednecks, etc... you get the picture.
All people are leaches

4. My nerves are shot. This is no exaggeration. When I'm home alone in my room and my Father calls just the sound of his voice calling makes me jump! If the phone rings in wrenches my stomach. I have trouble sleeping. My mind is constantly racing and often I become obsessed with my emotions.

5. I'm a failure. Period. I've never really accomplished anything in my life.

Those are just 5 facts that cost me my living.

I love this blog because this could very well be my suicide note and nobody will ever read it, not even after I'm gone.

When people commit suicide there are always the same remark: " I wish he would have talked to us " or " We could have helped him " or my favorite one " All the signs where there " People tend to act like they care after the fact, but people are much to bust caring about themselves to care about others.

The last time ( second ) I attempted suicide ( yes, a cry for help ) I was taken away by the police after a neighbor called them. My Dad was asleep and never knew anything about it. When I told him about it his response was " Why do you blame everything on me? All I want to do is make you happy. " He really doesn't give a shit about me. He never takes me seriously and he still considers me a " kid " as he calls me. He still calls me and tells me to come home and he still does his best to control me. I always submit because I can't stand arguing and yelling at all.

He will be one of the " He told me and I was too stupid to listen. " Assholes.

People are so easy to read for me that it has lost it's thrill. What once brought me so much fascination has turned into a dull and predictable game.

My psychologist tells me that I can change my life. Too bad no one will hire me due to a devastating misdemeanor on my record that CAN NOT be removed for the rest of my life due to state law. There is nothing I can do to better myself anymore. I've tried.

I intend on killing myself because unlike a teen that has so much life left, I'm 36 and have failed.
There is absolutely nothing left. The girl that likes me scares me because I don't want to get married or date and I don't want a quick fuck.
I don't want a relationship. I don't like answering to people.
I've answered to my Father my whole life and he is the LAST person to EVER have any type of control over me. True my boss does to an extent, but the only reason I work for him is because my Father insisted that I go back to work for him after six months of being out of work, by trying my best to find one. I was going to work at McDonalds or something, but he said no. I would have been a lot better off.

I may have a lot of nice possessions, but they only bring temporary joy. They are worthless without someone to share them with. The problem is that there is no one worthy of sharing them with.

I've decided to end my life. This is not a decision I've just made. I have been contemplating this for the past few years and have struggled with the pros and cons. I've thought it out and have " made my peace " with God. We ALL will never get out of here alive and I certainly don't want to endure anymore insults or disappointments in life.

The ONLY thing that would and could keep me alive is a winning lottery ticket. Why? If I had a substantial amount of money I would move away to another country and buy some " friends ". Everyone likes you when you buy them. I can no longer do this like I once could so I'm out... of time... of friends... of money.. of desire for anything other than death.

I'm not sure who to leave my things to. In my will everything goes to my Dad or my brother. If I could change my will all I have would be sold and donated to cancer research.

So with all this suicide threat how will I do it?

Oh the internet is such a wonderful tool. Seroquel is such a wonderful drug. What a peaceful way to go. The dream of all... to fall asleep and never wake up.

My birthday is in July and on that day I will silently take a walk saying goodbye to all I have known. Rather than leave a mess for my Father he will get a phone call a few days later when they find my body in the woods, asleep in a sleeping bag. The sky will be the last thing I see.
I want it to end this way because besides the human mind the sky is the most mysterious thing in the world, or is it around the world? Is it the door to the universe? Does God live just beyond human reach? The sky is humble. It provides us so much in the form of rain, wind, sun and darkness. The sky is a true love of mine. Sometimes I believe if the sky was a person that it would be my peer.

Well since no one is ever going to read this I suppose I can end this anyway I choose so....

You are the beauty you've never known
You are the love you've always longed for
You are the breathtaking smile
You are the sweetest smell imaginable
You are painful love
You may be lust, but it's true lust

Desire

You are the hug I never received
You are the kiss I've always longed for
You are the dream that never came true
You are the one who walks on by
You are perfect
You are the one who could have saved me

Love

You are small talk
You are a quick hello
You are as I, unknown
You are oblivious to me truly
You are a fire
You are a dream

You are my fascination